Spooky title…am I in for a spooky story?!
What we liked…
•You’ve done a fantastic job making first person narrative work for you – congrats! It’s not easy…
•You’ve certainly intrigued this reader into wanting to find answers… why did she need treatment, who and what is James Alexander?! We need to know…
What’s not working so well…
•I’m struggling to work out what I’m reading – is this going to be erotica or paranormal? It’s nice to know what genre you’re in…
•Yes, older men are hot (go vampires and Mr Knightley) but they can also be creepy (Dickensian child-bride) so I think the line needs to be straddled delicately especially if the desire sparks in an eight-year-old-girl…
•I think the narrative is strong and the dialogue nice and snappy – but the juxtaposition of the two jars – the tone feels different. Have a think about how you could integrate them better
Getting this made entering the competition worthwhile. After they had chosen their Top 10 and I hadn't made it, I kind of felt a bit empty ... and then along came this!!
Tuesday 26 October 2010
Nano @ Harlequin
http://community.eharlequin.com/forums/write-stuff/nanowrimo-2010-sign-sheet
One crazy month of writing ... can it be done? Either way, I guess there is no harm in trying!
One crazy month of writing ... can it be done? Either way, I guess there is no harm in trying!
Tuesday 19 October 2010
Writers Challenge Winner @ Harlequin - No Lips Moving
She didn’t know quite why or even how she’d become attracted to the man, but nevertheless, she had. Let’s face it; it wasn’t like they had anything in common. Her mum had brought her up to be a simple girl with simple tastes in life. She wasn’t pretty like the other girls in school. Once, they’d all been asked to describe themselves using colour – her choices had been brown and cream. That was the way people generally viewed her now – brown and cream – dull and boring.
So, how did dull and boring et al brown and cream come to be attracted to the rich burgundy/claret that was her colour description for Alexander McCann?
Shivers ran the full length of her spine. Just thinking about the man did that to her. He was different from the other men in the office, not that she’d had any experience in that department.
One of the guys, James, tossed a furtive glance her way. She broke out in a cold sweat. Gathering the drafts from off her desk she disappeared quickly into one of the large meeting rooms. When it came to relationships, James would have her. But then James would have anything that wore a skirt and faintly resembled a woman! She shuddered.
Her thoughts were interrupted by Karlee, one of the other editors. “Hi Amy. Not like you to be first in the room.”
Amelia cringed. She felt like screaming ‘Amelia, my name’s Amelia’, but there’d be no point. Karlee never listened to anyone let alone her. Instead, she smiled and acknowledged her. Karlee had a point though. She was never first in the room - too scared of being alone with the beautifully sculpted Alexander McCann.
Karlee forged on with conversation, totally oblivious of Amelia’s faint annoyance. “So, are you going to the New Writers’ Awards Friday evening?”
“Of course she is.” Amelia didn’t have to turn around, for she recognised the soft velvety tone of his voice only too well.
Karlee was temporarily stunned. Not many people had the ability to do that, Amelia thought, at the same time feeling slightly smug.
“Now, now Amelia .... be nice.” Amelia’s head spun round, but he had his back to her.
Karlee looked at her. “What?” She exclaimed.
Amelia shook her head in bewilderment. “I’m sorry – I could have sworn you spoke to me.” She lied, not that Karlee would notice.
“There you go again ..... not nice Amelia.” Her eyes scanned the room – he wasn’t there – where had he gone?
She busied herself with the drafts sitting in front of her. Concentrate – that’s what she needed to do. Voices in her head ... what next?
“Not voices Amelia. Just. One. Voice.” He said, accentuating each word in that soft, velvety tone which had the ability to set every nerve in her body tingling.
Her head flew up again, but this time he was in the room. She frowned. An appointment with a shrink might not be a bad idea.
“No need.” He replied to her thoughts.
She kept her mind blank after that. If he was playing mind games, well then she wasn’t playing, or thinking, or doing anything in fact!
Still she couldn’t help from watching him. Everything about the man invited her to do that. The sound of his voice, his devastating good looks, his cologne – everything!
“Why thank you.” He drawled. She swore she could hear laughter in his voice. Was he making fun of dull and boring, brown and cream?
“You’re far from that, quite the opposite in fact.” He interjected. “I’d say you’re more a ‘creme brulee’ – soft, smooth, inviting and definitely moreish, very very moreish!”
She blushed profusely and couldn’t bring herself to look at him. But he was smiling, this she knew, because she could hear it in his voice.
“Stop teasing her Alex, it’s not fair.” A second voice appeared in the ‘no lips moving’ conversation.
She was silently freaking out now. Could they sense this? She wasn’t sure.
“Sense what?” He asked.
She thought for a moment before answering. “I’m guessing you can hear my thoughts, but not sense my feelings.”
“Oooh she’s good.” The second voice jumped in again.
Gathering courage, Amelia continued. “Who are you?”
“I’m Mia – Alex’s baby sister.” The second voice replied.
“I’m very pleased to meet you.” Amelia replied. Was she mad? She needed to stop this now, before it went too far.
“I’m afraid you’re too late Amelia.” Alexander McCann replied in that same enticing tone. “Scared?”
“No.” Amelia replied, a little too bravely, for her own liking. “Should I be?”
He didn’t answer, or maybe in some macabre manner he had, but instead forged on with their Monday morning meeting.
“Okay folks, let’s have some order around the table – this month’s writing competition. One thousand words to include apple cider, scarecrow and sunrise. Seriously – who chose these words?”
All fingers in the room pointed to Karlee.
“Have dinner with me this evening. I’ll pick you up around 8pm.” He whispered into her mind.
She didn’t answer him, but instead asked - “How are you doing this?”
“Don’t you mean we?” He shot back.
“No – I mean you! I’m not the one having a three-way conversation.”
“You could say it’s a special gift – comes with the species.”
Her blood ran cold ... species?
He continued with the meeting, but she was no longer listening.
“So, he intruded her thoughts again. What do you say – you, me, dinner at 8?”
“No! Not on your life!”
He laughed out loud now and everyone else in the room frowned.
“What did I say that was so funny?” She whispered quietly into his mind, still not having a clue as to how she could be doing this.
“Have dinner with me this evening, and I’ll tell you.”
She frowned. “What are you doing now? “ She was confused. “Are you messing with my mind?”
He smiled. “I’m just making sure you join me for dinner.”
“I’ll be there.” She whispered.
So, how did dull and boring et al brown and cream come to be attracted to the rich burgundy/claret that was her colour description for Alexander McCann?
Shivers ran the full length of her spine. Just thinking about the man did that to her. He was different from the other men in the office, not that she’d had any experience in that department.
One of the guys, James, tossed a furtive glance her way. She broke out in a cold sweat. Gathering the drafts from off her desk she disappeared quickly into one of the large meeting rooms. When it came to relationships, James would have her. But then James would have anything that wore a skirt and faintly resembled a woman! She shuddered.
Her thoughts were interrupted by Karlee, one of the other editors. “Hi Amy. Not like you to be first in the room.”
Amelia cringed. She felt like screaming ‘Amelia, my name’s Amelia’, but there’d be no point. Karlee never listened to anyone let alone her. Instead, she smiled and acknowledged her. Karlee had a point though. She was never first in the room - too scared of being alone with the beautifully sculpted Alexander McCann.
Karlee forged on with conversation, totally oblivious of Amelia’s faint annoyance. “So, are you going to the New Writers’ Awards Friday evening?”
“Of course she is.” Amelia didn’t have to turn around, for she recognised the soft velvety tone of his voice only too well.
Karlee was temporarily stunned. Not many people had the ability to do that, Amelia thought, at the same time feeling slightly smug.
“Now, now Amelia .... be nice.” Amelia’s head spun round, but he had his back to her.
Karlee looked at her. “What?” She exclaimed.
Amelia shook her head in bewilderment. “I’m sorry – I could have sworn you spoke to me.” She lied, not that Karlee would notice.
“There you go again ..... not nice Amelia.” Her eyes scanned the room – he wasn’t there – where had he gone?
She busied herself with the drafts sitting in front of her. Concentrate – that’s what she needed to do. Voices in her head ... what next?
“Not voices Amelia. Just. One. Voice.” He said, accentuating each word in that soft, velvety tone which had the ability to set every nerve in her body tingling.
Her head flew up again, but this time he was in the room. She frowned. An appointment with a shrink might not be a bad idea.
“No need.” He replied to her thoughts.
She kept her mind blank after that. If he was playing mind games, well then she wasn’t playing, or thinking, or doing anything in fact!
Still she couldn’t help from watching him. Everything about the man invited her to do that. The sound of his voice, his devastating good looks, his cologne – everything!
“Why thank you.” He drawled. She swore she could hear laughter in his voice. Was he making fun of dull and boring, brown and cream?
“You’re far from that, quite the opposite in fact.” He interjected. “I’d say you’re more a ‘creme brulee’ – soft, smooth, inviting and definitely moreish, very very moreish!”
She blushed profusely and couldn’t bring herself to look at him. But he was smiling, this she knew, because she could hear it in his voice.
“Stop teasing her Alex, it’s not fair.” A second voice appeared in the ‘no lips moving’ conversation.
She was silently freaking out now. Could they sense this? She wasn’t sure.
“Sense what?” He asked.
She thought for a moment before answering. “I’m guessing you can hear my thoughts, but not sense my feelings.”
“Oooh she’s good.” The second voice jumped in again.
Gathering courage, Amelia continued. “Who are you?”
“I’m Mia – Alex’s baby sister.” The second voice replied.
“I’m very pleased to meet you.” Amelia replied. Was she mad? She needed to stop this now, before it went too far.
“I’m afraid you’re too late Amelia.” Alexander McCann replied in that same enticing tone. “Scared?”
“No.” Amelia replied, a little too bravely, for her own liking. “Should I be?”
He didn’t answer, or maybe in some macabre manner he had, but instead forged on with their Monday morning meeting.
“Okay folks, let’s have some order around the table – this month’s writing competition. One thousand words to include apple cider, scarecrow and sunrise. Seriously – who chose these words?”
All fingers in the room pointed to Karlee.
“Have dinner with me this evening. I’ll pick you up around 8pm.” He whispered into her mind.
She didn’t answer him, but instead asked - “How are you doing this?”
“Don’t you mean we?” He shot back.
“No – I mean you! I’m not the one having a three-way conversation.”
“You could say it’s a special gift – comes with the species.”
Her blood ran cold ... species?
He continued with the meeting, but she was no longer listening.
“So, he intruded her thoughts again. What do you say – you, me, dinner at 8?”
“No! Not on your life!”
He laughed out loud now and everyone else in the room frowned.
“What did I say that was so funny?” She whispered quietly into his mind, still not having a clue as to how she could be doing this.
“Have dinner with me this evening, and I’ll tell you.”
She frowned. “What are you doing now? “ She was confused. “Are you messing with my mind?”
He smiled. “I’m just making sure you join me for dinner.”
“I’ll be there.” She whispered.
Wednesday 6 October 2010
Ten little Critters sitting on a wall ...
So the ten little critters await their critique by the M&B Team ... eeek! I'm feeling the pain ... because I'm one of the critters waiting for the critique! Now for someone who has, up until now, shied away from the whole 'submit' thing, you'd wonder at me putting mine forward for public humiliation ... sorry I meant critique - my bad! It's their job to rip it apart, I know, because in the end that's what makes it better or perfect or whatever. Still, it's mine and I really like it. I love this chapter like I love my little boy, but I feel soooo helpless ... ugh!
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